


Gone

by yoursickeningdesire



Series: BADLANDS (Phan + Other Ships) [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: #spon lol, M/M, Mental Disorder-Schizophrenia-Phan AU, a lot of shitposting, how do tags even work wtf, idk if it gives u pheels but im sorry in advance, it has a shitpost chap, it's on wp btw, its based on a song, its crappy, melanie and hals for effect, phanfic au, pheels i guess?, play it with troye sivan, sand pls fuck off, search it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 00:54:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8690266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoursickeningdesire/pseuds/yoursickeningdesire
Summary: Dan Howell is sent to a mental hospital because of his condition. He says there are people talking to him even though there are no people with him and he calls the voices his friends.  Phil Lester is one of the voices that Dan hears. He knows he doesn't exist but he does exists in Dan's head.  Phil and Dan was inseperable.  But one day, Dan notices that he  doesn't hear them anymore. The voices were gone. But he still hears somebody saying the same words over and over.  "Can you hear me, Dan?"Mental Disorders-Schizophrenia-Phan AU





	1. P R O L O U G E

**Author's Note:**

> hello i guess?? im a new author here, posting my old phanfics ((from wp)) here and expect me posting a chapter everyday bc fuck it. and im going to apologize in advance bc this is crap im sorry

Dan Howell is sent to a mental hospital because of his condition. He says there are people talking to him and he sees them. And he even calls them his friends.

Phil Lester is one of the voices in Dan's head. He knows he shouldn't exist but he does in Dan's head.

Dan and Phil was inseperable.

But one day, Dan notices that he doesn't hear them anymore. He doesn't hear his friends anymore. The voices were gone.

Yet, he still hears somebody saying the same words again and again.

"Can you hear me, Dan?"


	2. O N E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan's first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yes hello its me again this is the first chap of thr crap and im probsbly going to update lter bc im trash and the entire shit is short im sorry

Dear diary,

I was sent to some place by mom and dad. They said I was crazy. They said that my friends didn't exist.

I don't believe them.

I see my friends here right beside me, right now. There is Phil, Connor, Troye, Louise, Caspar and Tyler.

They are great friends and I don't want to lose them.

I don't even know why I am in this place anyway. The people here were crazy. And I'm not.

-Dan


	3. T W O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's second day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here cum dat b o i
> 
> oh shit waddup
> 
> its chapter two and i think im gonna publish up to chap 5 later
> 
> thats all bye

Dear Diary,

The people here keep saying that my friends don't exist. I don't believe them. But I found some people here that believes in me. Their names are Joe, Tyler, Ryan and Felix.

I don't believe why people think that they don't exist. I can see them and I can touch them. What the hell is wrong with those people?

Oh well.That only means they don't have so much fun. And I'm gonna go now because Phil is going to tell me about his potted plant.

Bye.

-Dan


	4. T H R E E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's third day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yes hello im back and still crappy. i need to sleep rn but im gonna publish the fourth and fifth chap after i publish this so ye

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Phil, did you eat my cereal again?" I questioned him. "Umm.." "You ate it again. Oh my God, when will this stop?" I questioned no one.

"Just hide it next time, Dan." Phil said to me. "You do know that when I hide something, you always find it?" I asked him. "Well, you gotta deal with it." He said to me.

I stood up and grabbed my notebook or diary thing and started writing on it. 

Dear Diary,

So, today, I woke up and noticed that Louise and Tyler was gone.

Where did they go?

I don't know. But I hope they return. I miss having them already.

Also, the people here gave me something yesterday. They said that I should drink it and something will happen. I hope that 'something' doesn't involve my friends going away.

And they also said that the reason I am seeing Phil, Troye, Tyler, Caspar, Louise and Connor because I have a disease. Seriously, what is wrong with these people?

I will not believe anything they say to me.

Not one bit.

I will go talk to my friends now.

Bye.

-Dan


	5. F O U R

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's fourth day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i now have a schedule made out and this is the sched
> 
> today: 5 chapters (not including prolouge)  
> tomorrow: 5 chapters  
> aftermorrow: 5 chapters (not including epilouge)
> 
> so ye
> 
> that's all bye

I yawned and scratched my neck.

'Why is Tyler and Louise still gone?' I wondered. "They probably did something." I said to myself.

"Dan Howell." A voice called me through the speakers. I stood up and went outside where some people were waiting for me.

They led me to a room with a doctor in it. "How are you feeling, Dan?" he asked me. "I'm alright although Tyler and Louise, my friends, are suddenly gone."

The doctor said something under his breath and I listened to him blabble about something for the fourth time- This is probably the fourth time I listened to him blabble - "And you can go now, Dan." He finally said before I stood up and exited the room. 

"What was that about, Dan?" Phil questioned me.

"Oh, nothing. He said that you guys weren't true at all and I have an awful disease. Those things he said aren't true at all, right Phil?" I asked him.

Phil stared at me like I said something terrible but then he shook his head and said "Yeah, he's wrong."

As we were going to our room, we saw Felix being escorted out of this building. 'What happened to him?' I thought.

-mini timeskip brought to you by the Melapples-

I stood up from my chair and grabbed my notebook and began to write.

Dear Diary,

Something weird is happening here.

Not only in my life but on my friend's too.

Felix was escorted out of this building an hour ago. Tyler and Louise are still gone. And there's Phil looking all sad when I mentioned that the doctor said that they weren't real at all and I have this disease.

I still don't believe what they say about them and I will say something tomorrow to my friends.

-Dan


	6. F I V E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's fifth day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> laST CHAP TODAY *BEEB VOICE* THIS IS FUCKIN DOOOOOPEEE

Phil's POV ((yes I know))

I sigh and wonder what I should do. 'What if I hid his medication?' I thought. 

I shook my head and said no.

I want to see him live his life but at the same time, I still want to be with him. "What do I do?" I said out loud.

"What do you do?" Dan asked me. "That was nothing,Dan." I said to him. "Are you sure,Phil? Because you look like you are having a terrible time." "No, no. It's nothing. Don't worry about me."

"Well,okay then." He said.

If I want to see him live his life, I wouldn't even see it because I am going to be gone. And if I'm gone, I wouldn't see him.

I looked at Dan and saw that he was writing something on his notebook that he always have. "Hey." I said. "What,Phil?" He asked me.

"I got a question for you." "What is it?"

"What are you going to do when I'm gone?"


	7. S I X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's suffering starts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here cum dat boi, shit waddup.
> 
> hey!! i'm sorry i didnt post the 5 chapters yesterday bc i went outside (lol ikr) and i did many things so yeee
> 
> play: troye's gasoline

P H I L<

I smell heartbreak on my hands  
I feel sick to my stomach  
As I began to stare

It's been awhile.

And Dan is completely getting better.

I watched him everyday. One time, he asked me if I was okay. I said I was. Even though I was not.

I see an outline in my bed  
In the same spot,  
I watched him rest his head

I tried not to cry.

But I did.

"I wish I was real." I whispered to myself while crying. "I wish I was with him."

I've done you wrong, I regret it  
Sing a song, trying to forget it  
I feel this emptiness in my chest  
I feel surreal but I'm feeling stressed

I glanced at Dan and tried to smile. "I'm okay, Dan. I'm okay."

I need to do something  
I fucked up for nothing  
Now I gotta just tell someone,  
Tell someone what I've done

What I did was right, right?

Dan's life will be better when I'm gone anyway.

Please bathe me now  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline  
Bathe me now  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
like gasoline  
Oh, no  
Like gasoline

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I can't do this to him.


	8. S E V E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil's suffering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pheels lol sorry
> 
> play: troye's gasoline

P H I L

I wake up the morning after  
You call but I don’t answer  
And I can’t look you in the eye,  
No matter how hard I try

"Phil?" Dan called me. 

I stayed silent.

"Are you alright?"

I still didn't answer.

I can't even look at him in the eye. I'm too weak. I'll crumble down and I will cry.

It's better not to answer him.

You deserve forever,  
not a boy looking for better  
But as long as you’re still here,  
I will try to keep you near

"Dan." "What, Phil?" "I have to tell you something."

"I am not real." I said to him. He laughed and then said "Haha. That joke was funny. What are you going to tell me?" "I really am not real." I said.

"Seriously, Phil? Stop joking and tell me what did you call me for." He said to me.

"I am not real and I'm a part of your disease. I want you to be happy without me." "What?" He asked me.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I-I want you to live without me."

"What the fuck are you saying, Phil? You know I can't live without you. And you're not a part of my disease, you're real as fucking fuck." "No, I'm not." "You are, Phil!" "Stop saying that I'm real because I really am not, Dan!!"

Please bathe me now  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline  
Bathe me now  
Yeah  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline

I wish I can run anywhere because I really can't fucking do it.

I really can't. 

I cried for hours, waiting if I'm going to wake up next to Dan. Waiting if I'm going to wake up and find out that this is a nightmare. But I know that can never happen.

Please bathe me now  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline  
Bathe me now  
Yeah  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep as I fall apart.

Bathe me now  
Wash me clean  
Just set my heart on fire  
Like gasoline

I wasn't real after all.


	9. E I G H T

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan realises something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> play: halsey's strange love

D A N

It was hard.

Knowing that he can disappear anytime. Knowing that I know now what am I doing and what I did.

Of course, you don't know what I did.

You want to know?

I fell in love with a part of my disease.

I fell in love with Phil. And I hate it that I need to be fucking sane to be called a human. I hate that I fell in love with him. I hate that I can't tell him about it. I hate him for doing this to me.

I glared at him.

Earlier, Phil kept telling me that he was not real and I kept saying that he was telling a joke. But I knew he was telling me the truth.

I would rather live a lie and not get hurt than to face this fucking terrible truth.

"I hate my life." I said out loud.

I got my notebook and tried to write something in it. But I really didn't feel like writing shit. 'What can I do?' I thought.

I closed my eyes a couple of minutes and then stood up.

"I'm gonna fucking do this. And there's no going back if I did this." I said. "Phil." I called him.

"What?" He asked me. 

"I'm going to tell you something but you need to be close to me." "Okay." He sat near me. "You need to be closer." He sat more close to me.

I then whispered it in his ear.

"I love you, Phil." Then he said, " I love you too, Dan."

Then he did something.

He kissed me. Then I kissed back.


	10. N I N E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets his phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leNNY FACE FUCK YES

D A N

I just got back from the Doctor's room and I found out that they are going to let me out of here in four days. And the first day starts now.

Four days till I go out here. Four days till I go back to my home. Four days till I see my friends and four days till I can use the internet.

"Oh my god, I can't wait to go out here. Because the birds are singing, flowers are blooming and on days like these.. I usually sit down on my bed with my laptop blogging about shit." I say.

I got out my phone out. And if you're wondering, 'Dan why are you using a phone? Aren't you like, supposed to be not doing shit like that?'" Well, I can now because I can go out of this place in four days.

I clicked on my messages and decided to text Tyler,who got out before me.

DanTheGreatestMeme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) hey fren

TylerHoeseph:what the fuck

TylerHoeseph:Aren't u like supposed to be doin stuff

DanTheGreatestMeme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) no ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerHoeseph: Oh ok den

TylerHoeseph: wyd tho

DANkMeme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) nothign

DANkMeme: im going out on thursday tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerHoeseph: oohhh nice

TylerHoeseph: stop with the face dan

DANkMeme: no ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerHoeseph: stop

DANkMeme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerHoeseph: stop it

DANkMeme: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerHoeseph: i'll kick ur face

DANkMeme: but ur taste in music is my face tho so 

TylerHoeseph: tru tru

DANkMeme: can u add brendon

TylerHoeseph: ok i will

TylerHoeseph added Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: whaddup hoes

TylerHoeseph: guess who returned

DANkMeme: HEY BITTCCHEESSS

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: omg

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: it's the meme

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: the dank meme

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: holy fuck dude where have u been

DANkMeme: with tyler

Breadbin_Urine_Is_Fabaf: wyd tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

DANkMeme: stop that train of thought right there

JishIsAHoe joined the chat

JishIsAHoe: what the fuck is this tyler

TylerHOEseph: find ouuuttt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	11. T E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> memes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extra crap chap im sorry
> 
> mEMES

D A N

I woke up to my phone's notification's blaring so I decided to unlock it.

TylerIsAHoe: fuk u tyler

TylerIsNotAHoe: u wish ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MemeLord: what the fuck happened here

It'sAllAboutMyForehead: ooohh the meme is awake

MemeLord: yes i am awake

MemeLord: what the hell happened here tho

It'sAllAboutMyForehead: there's more memes that joined the chat

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):hey guys

MemeLord: who are u

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): don't u remember me

Pattycakes: we sang a song that u liked

MemeLord: oH WAIT

MemeLord: iD THAT YOU PETE

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): yes

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): it is i 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): pepe wentz

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): the biggest meme of fall out boy

Pattycakes: heY MY HAND IS THE BIGGEST MEME

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): no your hand is the second biggest meme fren

It'sAllAboutMyForehead: no the biggest meme is my forehead

MemeLord: guys what are you talking about

MemeLord: the biggest meme is me

PepeWentz:tru tru

FallOutHand: the biggest part is brendon's forehead tho

TylerIsAHoe: very true

FallOutHand: wait u guys were gone for like an hour

PepeWentz: what were u doing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TylerIsNotAHoe: i was helping him dye his hair

PepeWentz: u sure ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PepeWentz: bc my gaydar is going off ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

PepeWentz: and it's telling me that u guys did something ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

FallOutHand: oHMYGOD PETE 

FallOutHand:STOP DOINFG SHIT LIKE THAT

FunGhoul:heeeyeyyeyeeyey

PartyPoison: hello fellow memes

It'sAllAboutMyForehead: have u seen ryan

PartyPoison: no

It'sAllAboutMyForehead: i'm gonna find him then

I put down my phone and laugh. "Jesus, I really need to get a life." Then I turned off my phone.


	12. E L E V E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feels im sorry
> 
> play: halsey's blue

D A N

I sat up and groaned. "What the fuck am I supposed to do?" I questioned nobody.

'What is Phil doing?' I thought. I called him but he didn't go near me or shit. I searched for him but I didn't find him. "PHIL, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" I shouted out.

I choked out a quiet sob. 

'It's been two days and Phil is still gone.' I thought. "I already miss him, damn it." I tried thinking about his blue eyes, his laugh, his smile and everything about him so I can be sane.

I continued crying and just listened to music.

"I want you to colour me blue, anything that makes you stay." I sang to myself.

I felt like everything is black and white and there was no other thing that could make me smile.

"Only seeing myself when I'm looking up at you." I continued singing until I felt tired.

I closed my eyes and then fell asleep thinking of the colour blue.


	13. T W E L V E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> memes and missing someone

D A N

I looked at my old notebook and read my old entries.

I laughed while reading the notebook, seeing that I was so into talking to Connnor, Tyler, Louise, Caspar, Troye and Phil.

Speaking of Phil, I still haven't seen him in a while.

"Meh." I said. I closed the notebook and got an idea of what to do, opened it again and started drawing somebody.

After a while, I finished drawing him then I checked my phone and saw that I had so many messages from my friends.

TyJo: have u seen the meme

Forehead: which meme

PepeWentz: yeah which meme

FallOutHand: my hand?

TyJo: no not that one fren

TyJo: the greatest meme

Hoewell: me?

WoshuaDun: hOLY SHIT

WoshuaDun: THERE HE IS

Forehead: THE DANK MEME IS HERE YAY

FallOutHand: my hand is still missing :(

PepeWentz: well that happens if u don't glue it to ur wrist

Forehead: do u wanna use my glue ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

FallOutHand: ew

FallOutHand: gt r wn frn

Forehead: that was rude :'(

TyJo: hEY THAT'S MY LINE

WoshuaDun: doN'tsTe AlHIsLi Ne

TyJo: blurry what the fuck are you doing here

Hoewell: where is the other memes

Forehead: i don't know

PepeWentz: they went to brendon's forehead and we can't find them anymore

Forehead:ya'll rude af :(

I put down my phone and sighed. "I don't know what to do to my existence, what the hell." I said.


	14. T H I R T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HELLO INTERNET.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry not sorry lol 

D A N

I got up and packed up my things up because I was finally leaving this place. "Fuck yeah!" I said.

I took a shower and then put some nice clothes on and tried to fix my hair.

Emphasis on tried.

The straightener broke and I have natural hair or hobbit hair as I call it. "I fucking hate my hair." I said. 

I got out of my room and was escorted out of the building. I got out my phone and messaged my friends.

Hoewell: i'm fREE NOW BITCHES

Hoeseph: *eagle cawing*

Brendhoe: *rains pizza and mcdonalds*

HoeWentz: it waS

HoetrickStump: THE FOURTH OF JULY

Hoeshua: *FIREWORKS EXPLODING*

Brendhoe: tHE GAY MEME IS FREE NOW HELL YES

Hoewell: YASS BITCHESS

Hoewell: why are our names put with hoe wtf

Hoeseph: bc we r hoes for u dan

Brendhoe: can i be ur main b

Hoewell: oookaay

Hoeshua: can i be ur main j

Hoeseph: nO UR MY MAIN J

HoeWentz: ooohhh somebody's jealouss ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

HoeWentz: me and patrick could be ur main p

Hoetrick: tru tru

Hoeseph: i could be ur main t tho

Hoewell: soo

Hoewell: i'm going to be

Hoewell:your main d? 

Brendhoe: yes pls ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hoewell: anyway, i'm going to my flat and do a video

Brendhoe: what video ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hoeseph: yeah what video ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hoewell: a youtube video

Brendhoe: ooooh nice

Brendhoe: goodluck my main d

Hoeseph: goodluck fren

Hoeseph: *wipes tear*

Hoeshua: *wipes tear* i'M SO PROUD OF U uwu

Hoetrick: wish we will see u sometime

HoeWentz: and be a meme with u ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) :')

Hoewell: thank u guys but I really need to go so byee.

I put down my phone and opened the door to my flat and did somethings.

I went to my room and set up all the things I needed. I turned on my camera and tried seeing if it was working then I finally said:

"Hi, my name is [Dan]."


	15. F O U R T E E N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> play: This Is Gospel by Panic!

D A N

I was in the middle of editing a video then I heard it again. "Can you hear me, Dan?" "Yes I can and you should fuck off like the sand,mate." I said.

I heard it again and again. I went to the bathroom where I put my pills and drank one of them. "Jesus, if I hear that one more time, I will fucking swallow all of this pills at once." I said.

I continued to edit and then uploaded the video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna announce smth next chap :))


	16. E P I L O U G E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you love me let me go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be a sequel to this book called Here and its pretty crap but idc and i think it's gonna go crazy?? im gonna publish it later.

D A N

Many years later..

I was officially famous now.

I'm a famous youtuber.

I'm completely sane.

Yet I still feel like I have a missing part, like I'm still empty and I'm stuck in this void of emptiness.

I stood up and grabbed myself a drink. I sighed and proceeded to browse tumblr.

I saw a lot of posts about me and other youtubers. I smiled, laughed about the posts.

I still feel empty and I have a missing piece to find.


End file.
